boney

What can brown do for me? - 12/08

(I found this old rant on my facebook page, of all places, from December 2008. As I'm continuing to look through my files, I will post what I find here and you'll find out why.. eventually)

When I win things on ebay, or when I order things online, I usually am forced to select a method of shipping so that the seller can get my package to me in a timely fashion. Since I live in a condominium complex, UPS and Federal Express require that everything be signed for, which is a nice requirement because hey there’s a lot of douches out there looking steal my schwag.

The problem with this “security” feature is that I’m left with only one option, ship my shit to my office. The awkward receipt of the items at my office though is another reason why I hate this security feature. The receptionist comes up to my office and she says “Boney, I’ve got a package for you… this doesn’t look work related” and she hands it to me and stands there and waits to see what is in this mystery package. With me being excited to finally see the fruits of my bank account’s labor, I usually crack the package open right then and there which usually gives the receptionist enough ammunition to talk shit about me behind my back for at least another week because I’m having stupid shit delivered to me at the office.

Why can “brown” kiss my ass though?

If I was as big of a failure at doing my job as the call center people at UPS are, I would not only be unemployed but I would be unemployable. The very first link in this post is an item that I recently “won” on Ebay. It’s a lamp for my 52″ silly DLP. The yellow light came on my TV the other day so I figured “well, it’s time to replace the lamp”, so I logged onto ebay and bought a lamp and housing. As I stated before, I requested that the shipper send the package to my office address so that I could receive the package at work, then go home and remove the bad lamp and put in the new one since it’s recommended that the lamp I remove be cooled down for an hour or so before removing it.

If you looked at the listing, the “seller” says that shipping is free via UPS… so this bullshit is forced on me considering I’m a cheapass that doesn’t want to pay extra for shipping… So, I double check all addresses in my paypal… select the current work address, and hit “buy”.

December 2 is the date I’m supposed to receive it.. My company has a UPS account with the same address as the one I used to purchase the lamp through paypal.. yet somehow the fucksticks at UPS’ delivery center still get confused with these new fangled things called “building numbers” because on December 4 when I check to see why my lamp still hasn’t been delivered, there are like 8(!) exceptions and all of them say “DELIVERY ATTEMPT NOT MADE. NEED TO VERIFY ADDRESS/ SUITE/APARTMENT NUMBER. PACKAGE BEING HELD AT DOUCHE CENTRAL UNTIL CORRECTIONS ARE MADE.” So I call UPS:

Boney: Hi, I’m wondering why I haven’t received my package

Shaqwonda: Ok sir, may I have your name/tracking number/name of first born child/address/shoe size/mother’s maiden name so that I may process your request?

B: (gives her information)

Shaquita (now with more gum smacking): Thank you. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

B: (tells her)

LaShondra: Thank you Mr. Boney. It looks like there’s a problem with your address, can you repeat your address for me?

B: (repeats address, tells her it’s my office building, gives company name)

Shanaynay: Sir, I’m sorry for the confusion in our system here (edit: are ya sorry?), I have set your delivery up for tomorrow.

B: Thank you LaTrice.

Ok, so as you can see it was a cordial conversation. So I come home last night and I begin to set up the candles around the TV for the funeral of the DLP lamp that has served me so greatly over these past 3 years. I have seen many things that the DLP lamp has been able to produce… pornos, Prison Break seasons, UFC fights, etc… and now, our relationship must end because she’s running out of time.

So today… I’m sitting at work all antsy because it’s friday and because I’m getting a gift in the mail FINALLY. All day goes by, no package. I check that shit on the tracking page at UPS and what do I see? “ADDRESS INFORMATION CHANGED. PACKAGE SENT TO SHITSTAIN CENTRAL FOR RE-DELIVER”. So… what do I do? I call UPS…

Boney (after pressing “0″ three times and having the auto attendant for UPS be able to sense my mounting frustration): “Hello?!?!?”

Sharonda: Who am I speaking with, and what is (all that random crap they ask because it proves it’s you)?

B: (tells her)

Trina: Sir, your package is re-scheduled for delivery on Monday. It looks like you changed the ship to address today(!!!!!).

B: There must be some kind of mistake, I called yesterday and was assured that my package would be delivered today. This is a lamp for my television and now that I’m not getting it until Monday, I am further inconvenienced by UPS by not being able to watch my television this weekend!!!

MoNique: I’m sorry sir, but there’s nothing else I can do. Your package is scheduled for delivery Monday.

B: Whatever… :::grumble grumble curse words I don’t remember:::

This is the 2nd time that I’ve had issues with UPS like this. I will NEVER use UPS again. For all the commercials that guy with the mullet is on telling me how good UPS is, well he’s a fucking liar. It sounds to me like UPS is filled with nothing but underachieving, poorly motivated, only-in-it-for-a-paycheck types working for themself types who do not go out of their way to do anything. No one there cares that your package that was supposed to only take 3 days to get has now taken over a fucking week. If I was as big of a god damn failure at my job and LIFE as these no talent ass clowns are, I would throw myself down a flight of stairs.

Kiss my ass UPS, that’s what “brown” can do.

Sent from my iPhone

The retirement

Thank-you.

Has Boney really been here 4 Years? That sounds like a long time...

I remember coming here with my snark and sarcasm. I was full of piss and vinegar, and things to say to cause a ruckus in your blog's comment section. I thought I was the teacher and you, the bloggers were my pupils. How wrong I was.

It took a while to understand for I was a reluctant learner. My head was so full of how things 'should be', there was very little room for how things 'were'. The gap in those early days between what I thought I needed to say and what the bloggers actually needed to learn was wide. There were times when bridging it was difficult. There were even times when it seemed impossible and I wanted to give up.

Some of you have been kind in saying I gave a gift of myself; my energy, enthusiasm, honesty, respect and love, to you. But I want to turn that around and give it back, for this is precisely what I feel you have given me.

I have been privileged to have had in my blogroll many, many fine young bloggers. 4 years ago some of them began to teach me how to blog. They must have caught a glimmer of my desire to truly understand. They helped me build the first bridges. From them I learned true blogging is a special partnership. It only really works when the blogger reaches beyond the outer image, looks into the heart, understands and respects what they see. The blogger's role is to allow themselves to be seen, not just for who they are, or have been, but also for who they could be.

Over the years bloggers have come and gone.  Commenters went from dick jokes to dick joke to more dick jokes.  Bloggers went from humorous posts, to wanting to be considered serious to now just over the top snark and catering to their comments section.  Catering to Deadspin's requirements for commenting has become like a 2nd job for most.  The need to one up another commenter has become the thing to do, and it reflects the changing times across this great nation of ours.  Many people agree and disagree with each other we, are a blogosphere divided my friends.  There is still plenty of work left to be done, to improve a once formidable sports blogging community.  Many of you have fallen by the wayside and have, in my opinion, posted just for the sake of posting without putting much thought, character or love into your posts.  Others of you have maintained and watch others around you try and fail.. and for that, congratulations.

Despite the altering of outward appearance and what people are called, there has always been and always will be a constant. That is the inner need to strive for what is true and right.

It is with gratitude that I look back. I entered a hobby dedicated to assisting bloggers get their facts straight so they could achieve their potential, to revealing or finding their highest truth. As I leave it, I am taking many of you with me. You will live on in my memories. I'll always remember the things we achieved together: the many successful blog posts we commented on, the blogging conventions you took part in, the debates and the web mini-series you put out.

I've been asked what I'm going to do now. I will still be around, lurking... you could see a comment pop up occasionally and say to yourself "that has a flavor of Boney, it's got to be him!", and you may be right.  I will still be twittering and facebooking... I'll even be blogging... Boney is going away, for good.  My love for sports, banana pudding and typing song lyrics on twitter will always be there... it's just time for Boney to hit the bricks.  Some of you won't see me again, and you won't even know it's me or not anyway... so for you, it's the end.  For the rest of you, you know how to contact me and I ask that you please do continue to stay in contact as I will do the same.

I want to pay tribute to my peers for their support, friendship and exemplars of what it is to comment faithfully and with humility. I will always remember our shared laughter, our joys as well as our struggles. Thank-you for the never-ending supply of bad shtick to keep me on my toes. Thank-you too, for the notes of appreciation, words of encouragement, sharing of resources, and time but mostly for your sincerity and trust.  As my name and number fly up to the rafters, I want you all to realize that it's not just for you to see as you bring your children and your children's children and say "there was once a great man named Boney that presided over these internets", it also serves as a reminder to me of where I've come from and where I'm going...

And lastly, I leave you with this thought. There is only ever one of each us: one Jane Smith or one Mr Harris. We are unique. We are neither better nor less than anybody else but rather the best or least of ourselves. I am still working on finding the best of me. It is an exciting on-going journey. Thank-you for being my travelling companions along a large and important part of my way. I am forever grateful for your stimulating company and the enormous collection of shared experiences indelibly printed on my mind.  This is most definitely not the end my friends.. but merely only the beginning.

Thank-you. Happy holidays!

Internet dating: Is it worth it?

We've all talked to someone online at one point or another in our lives.  If you haven't, then you're likely not reading this post right now because you don't use the internet much and don't even know who "Boney" is...

There is a stigma that comes with internet dating, we all know them: "Loser", "unpopular", and to a certain extent "player", "cheater", etc.  Growing up in the internet age, I've been a part of some internet chatting and flirting, and I've even been a part of the internet dating scene.

When I was 15, my cousin Jimmy called me up and told me that he met some 19 year old chick through "Love@AOL" (at the time, AOL's free internet dating service), and told me that I should get up on it.  Being the hornball that I was at the time, I signed up for it primarily just to look at pictures of the girls.  (if you haven't noticed, I do not post pictures of myself online all too often because you never really know who is going to stumble across your words OR pictures).  I found some of the girls to be quite attractive, and most of them appeared to be out of my league.  It kind of made me curious though as to why such young, attractive girls were signing up for this "Love@AOL" service.  They could get any guy they wanted, right?  I mean, I saw all the Freddie Prinze, Jr movies and all the hot girls had boyfriends and all the not so attractive girls had nothing but their stuffed animals, math and glee clubs right?  That's how it was, right?  Correct my thought process if I'm wrong, please :)

I posted one picture on there, and I typed out some badass profile that made me look like a real douchebag.  This, was the birth of the online "Boney"....

I emailed back and forth with a couple of girls and I dropped the "6'1, 170lbs, brown hair blue eyes" line on all of them.  To them, they had a headshot and some written in text vision of me in their heads.  Obviously I was never really going to meet these girls because, well I was 15 and my Mom refused to allow me to date anyone.  I was so naive about chicks at that point in my life man that at a baseball/softball camp I went to the summer between freshman and sophomore years at high school I had a "girlfriend" that bunked in the softball camp that I was too afraid to kiss... lol more on that during the "12 days of Boney"...

So yeah, I'm dropping lines and making myself look like Freddie Prinze, Jr. or Dawson from Dawson's Creek and these girls really had no way of verifying that I was in fact who I said I was... which brings me to today...

I've had some success with women when I've put forth the effort.  I usually am quite funny and charming once you get to know me, and while I do have my quirks and problems my relationships have usually lasted quite a while and only a few of them have ended badly really... is internet dating really worth it?  I'd be putting myself out there with a picture of a 29 year old me, and it could be seen by ANYONE who is using that particular dating service that is searching for a guy like me, even girls I likely know who I'm friends with.  Do I risk it?  Here's my quandary...

I work a lot and my habit of how I live my life now is pretty strong.  I work, I gym, I happy hour with friends, I internet from my iPhone and I sleep.  I meet new women and girls all the time through friends, mom, dad's co-workers, my co-worker's friends, etc.  The problem is, I'm not going to date someone I already know, someone my mom or dad recommends, or someone who I work with's friend.  I don't give myself a lot of time to go out and seek new people other than those I meet at the gym which is like only for short spurts of time.

If I do sign up for it, what are the risks?  Are there going to be women on there who did what I did and post pictures of themselves and lie or even worse, post pictures of themselves from a few years ago and now they look like Quasimodo?  I've heard some good feedback from people that have used dating sites (jdate lol) and my mom tells me to give one of them a shot (my mom also wanted me to have at least 1 child by now, so she's happy with anything I decide to do dating-wise)...  so do I do it?

If I do sign up for it, what site do I use?  I see commercials on TV for match, a friend has used jdate and match, and I've seen ads for chemistry.com all over the place... is it worth it?

Will you laugh at me if I did it?  What if I linked you to my profile so you could email me in private? ;)

I had a 2 date run a little bit ago, and it was a nice change of pace for me.  Things didn't work out too well (difference of opinions, feelings, etc) on that 2 date run, and then the other situation which I wish could've been better but, I screwed that up too..

For so long I've done what I wanted to do... do I jump in with both feet and make the effort required to involve someone else in my life?  I thought I was doing this (involving someone) for a stretch of a few months here lately, things have changed recently and I have extremely mixed feelings about how things aren't working out.

10 years later...

Tuesday, November 16, 1999...

I stopped by the house after class to see how you guys were doing...

You were doing better that day than the last time I saw you.  Your treatments were almost over and we shared a few laughs while I got ready to go to work that night.

As usual Mom said something that irritated me or pissed me off, and I left without saying "goodbye" or "I love you" like I usually did.

When I got to work, the night went by as it usually did... slow... and then I got a page... it was a voicemail...

The voice on the other line was my Dad, telling me that I needed to call Mom because you weren't doing too good...

I called Mom and she couldn't even talk, because you were gone... it was too late... I couldn't even say bye...

I didn't know what to do, so I sat, head in my hands...

I didn't know what to say... so I stayed quiet, and kept it all in...

All the memories... the orthodontist appointments, my car accident, the saturdays, my french meal project, etc, were all I had left...

I can't even sit here and say what you mean to Mom and I, still, 10 years later...

I still don't know what to say, 10 years later...

The only thing I do know is that I love you very much, and without you, I don't know if I'd be the person I am today...

Thank you for the memories... I love you grandma.